New Dirty Jokes You’ve Never Heard

Dirty Jokes are usually hilarious in nature,  Thus I thought of sharing those New Dirty Jokes with you all. So you can read those jokes and laugh out loud!

Top 20 New Dirty Jokes You’ll Laugh At Out Loud!

Dirty jokes are a universal method of amusing people. No matter where you go you can find people laughing about dirty jokes.

Here are some of the best long, and short dirty jokes that will make you want to cover your eyes and hilariously laugh!

Let’s check them out…

 

#1

What’s the difference between hard and light?

You can sleep with a light on.

 

#2

Why do farts smell so bad?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

 

#3

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, ‘This will make you happy tonight’. He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

 

#4

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

 

#5

What’s the difference between hard and light?

You can sleep with a light on.

 

#6

A couple was getting frisky in a field. After giving her oral sex he said, ‘Wow, I wish I had a torch’.

‘So do I,’ she said. ‘You’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes.’

 

#7

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked: ‘If you woke up in the woods and scratched your arse and felt Vaseline, would you tell anyone?’

‘Of course not!’ the guy said.

The stranger then asked: ‘If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?’

‘Nope.’ the guy answered.

‘Great,’ said the stranger.

‘Fancy going camping then?!’.

 

#8

Little Johnny comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today.

He says that he played football and then he proposed to his friend Emily.

His parents think this is really sweet and they don’t want to make fun of Little Johnny so they ask him, ‘How are you both going to pay for the expenses of being married?’

Well with the £5 I get each week, from you and the 50p she gets from her Mum and Dad, we should do okay.’

His father says, ‘That’s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you have a baby?’

Little Johnny answers, ‘Well, so far -touch wood –we’ve been lucky…’

 

#9

A man goes to his wife and says: ‘Darling, we are part­ ners. We have been since we got married. We shared the good times, so now there’s a problem, and I’m hoping we can share that too.’

‘What’s the problem?’ she asks.

‘We got our sec­retary pregnant and she’s suing us for support.’

 

#10

A young couple is staying at a nudist campsite.

‘When I tell you I love you,’ asks the young man, ‘why do you always lower your eyes?’

‘To see if it’s true.’

#11

A man returns from a doctor’s visit one day and tells his wife that the doctor said he only has 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asks her to make love to him. Naturally, she agrees and they make passionate love.

Six hours later he pipes up ‘Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?’ The loving wife consents and again they find themselves making love.

Later, as he is getting into bed he realizes he only has 8 hours of life left. He taps his wife’s shoulder and says, ‘Sweetie-Honey­ Darling? Please? Just one more time before I die’. She agrees but rolls over and falls asleep from all that sexual fatigue.

The persistent husband, however, hears his internal clock ticking. He tosses turns until he has only 4 more hours left to live. Waking her, he urges ‘PLEASE! Could we…?’ At which point she snaps: ‘I have to get up in the morning! You don’t!’

#12

A young man was strug­gling to decide what to wear to a fancy dress party, but eventually had a brain wave.

When the host an­ swerved the door to find the guest standing there in his Y-fronts he asked him what he was supposed to be?

‘Premature ejacula­tion — I just came in my pants!’

#13

Why did the blonde cross the road?

Who cares? What’s she doing out of the bedroom?

#14

What does an 80-year-old woman have between her knees that a young woman doesn’t?

Her tits.

#15

A young boy went to visit his grandparents. He noticed his grandfather sitting in a rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

‘Gramps, what are you doing?’ he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

‘Gramps, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?’ he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, ‘Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is Granny’s idea’.

#16

What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

#17

What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is when you use a feather;

kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

#18

What have a Cartier watch and David Beckham got in common?

Both come in a posh box.

#19

What do peroxide blondes and airplanes have in common?

Both have big black boxes.

#20

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods one day, when she spied the big bad wolf crouched down behind a bush.

Thinking that it would be funny to sneak up on him for once, she crept over and tapped him on his shoulder.

‘Mister Wolf,’ she smirked. ‘What big eyes you have.

‘ Leave me alone, said the wolf running off.

‘What big ears you have’, she continued whilst following deeper into the woods.

‘Please leave me alone’, he howled desperately trying to get her off his case.

Persistent Little Red Riding Hood ran after the wolf to discover him in a patch of bracken.

‘Mister Wolf, what big teeth you have.’

Fuckin’ hell, just leave me alone,’ he angrily barked. ‘Can’t you see I’m trying to have a poo?’

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *